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woke up one morning and decided to put up an online diary about my life. :) the tears, the happiness, the sadness, the emotional days, it's all here.
A must read, I guess
It hurts. It’s annoying. It’s painful. It makes me feel sad. But at the same time, it ruined my life. YOU RUINED MY LIFE. You know who you are. Ever since I’ve known you, it’s always about you. When it’s your fault, they’ll always blame me. All the fault was always because of me even though it wasn’t. Every time a little thing happens and I get blamed or shouted at, it gets lowered down. What lowered down? My self esteem, my confidence and my trust in you. MY insecurities got worse, my thoughts about how wrong of a person I am was always in my mind. Of how I was always stupid and dumb and not valuable.
Being a teenager is fun but also moody in times. Once you’re a teenager, you start getting annoyed wit your parents but you still end up following them even though you’re annoyed. Once you’re a teenager, you start making your own group of friends and going out with them. Once you’re a teenager, life gets harder.
Remember those times when you were thinking on what to color the different pictures in the coloring book and not thinking about what to wear the next day or what people think about you? Remember those times when you were worried that your parents might get your toy and not worrying about your weight and the pressure/stress? Life as a teenager is much harder than life as a kid. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid, I didn’t like getting money, I like getting toys. But now, I don’t like getting toys, I like getting money. See the difference?
Now, I know being an adult is harder because you’re gonna start having a job or maybe even kids and all that but when you’re a teenager, life is already kinda hard. The teenage life is preparing you for the adult life. Meaning, all the stress, pressure, work and etc, you’re gonna start experiencing it. And boy, it is hard as hell!!! Life is hard for everybody. But when we all turn to God and ask for His help, everything will be much easier since we will be following His way.
I never thought I could be attached to someone in just a short while.
There was this dog who went inside our house. She was so cute but we couldnt touch her cause’ we dont know where she came from.
I ended up playing with her, giving her water and some biscuits and even getting her a rag just in case she wants to sleep. My mom told me to not get attached cause’ if someone gets her, we might not give it to them. But, I didnt listen to her.
After 3 more hours of me being with Cinnamon, the owner came and took her. I didnt cry but I kind of miss her even though she was only with us for a short time. Maybe I shouldnt have named her so I didnt get that attached but at least I made a new dog friend. Haha.
I never really thought about people being so so so different from each other. For example, my grandma is so sweet and she makes sure that every time I see her, I know that she loves me so much. But, there are also some people who are not so sweet and they don’t show their love that much but they love that person wholeheartedly.
Today, January 10 2014, I promised myself to do everything I can do to make everything okay or at least, good. So, I was late for school. Went inside the classroom while my adviser was in front and while she was talking I made my way quietly to my seat. But then, she scolded me and asked me what I was doing. Of course, I said sorry and told her that it wouldn’t happen again.
While I was seated on my chair, I started to think that how come, when the other students do it, she doesn’t scold them. But when I do it, she does. I started getting annoyed until she talked to the whole class about reminding us everyday about things and for sure we are all annoyed. Then she started explaining her feelings about us. Which for me is very intriguing.
She explained how much she cares and loves us that’s why she’s doing all these for our benefit. She also told us she doesn’t want to keep reminding us again and again because it’s also irritating for her. And I understand that. But, of all the things she said, the topic that really hit me was her “bittersweet love” towards us. By bittersweet love, I mean she loves us so much but she doesn’t show it. She explained that she really isn’t the person who’s so sweet but she really loves us more than we know and think.
She made me realize that all the reminding and scolding was because she cares for us. After she said this, she made me feel selfish because all I could think about was negative things before I could really analyze why she was reminding and scolding me. After all this time of me thinking she just hates me, in the end, she actually cares for me.
Realizing i suck
Im part of the people who are the pioneer batch, i guess, of the k-12. And people may think “Oh! That sucks you have 2 more years in school!”. Not that Im saying they’re wrong but they’re absolutely right. Of course Im gonna miss the people I’ve been with throughout my childhood. But, who would want to study, get yelled by teachers and suck at subjects for 2 more years. I mean, I can handle the yelling teachers and maybe even studying. BUT SUCKING AT 3 MAJOR SUBJECTS? NO. I cant handle that. Grade 9, so far, is the hardest year I’ve ever experienced. I thought high school was suppose to be fun? How come to me, it isnt.
English, Araling Panlipunan and CLE. I guess Im okay with those subjects. I understand what the teacher teaches and I pass all the tests they give to me. I can answer their questions without even reviewing sometimes. But, Trigonometry, Chemistry and Filipino. Ugh. I just cant.
Do you know what it feels like to be the only person who doesnt get what the teacher says even though she repeated it a hundred times? Well, that’s kind of me. Its not like every time they teach, I dont get anything. I get what they teach and I guess Im good in participating in class but when it comes to the written outputs….. IM FINISHED.
See, I already accepted the fact that I suck at numbers and all these Science things. But, Filipino?! It’s just like English but it’s translated into our country’s language. And if I can understand English, why can’t I understand Filipino? Isn’t it suppose to be easier for me to understand Filipino because this is the language I use usually? Plus it just disappoints me because this is my country’s language. Of all the language’s I should understand, memorize and put into heart, Filipino must be that language. And it just seems like, I failed to pursue that.
High school isn’t like Elementary anymore. You won’t be treated like a baby. You would get yelled at, get disciplined and embarrassed by some people. If there is a deadline and you haven’t passed it o that specific date, no teacher would accept it. Even if you cried or even if you told your parents about it. High school is preparing you in becoming an adult. And by these experiences I’ve had and will have during the 3 more years in my life, I can already sense and I guess I already know that life as an adult is HARDER THAN IT SEEMS.
2nd week of BCP
I dont think I can post everyday here in my tumblr blog cause’ Im too busy with the BCP. :(((
The 2nd week of the BCP is really tiring. I promise. I dont know why but it just is :((( And the Math made it more tiring :((( Huuuhuuu.
But at least Nash Aguas replied in my tweet this week so Im very very happy with that :)))
Okaaay. Byyyee :))) I am too tired and lazy to write about more stuff. Sorry and byyyeee.
-Sashaa Evio :)